The Personal Journal of Charles J. Wagner, dated April 12 - May 26 1981
Posted on April 24, 2011
April 24, 2011 will be celebrated as Easter Sunday by many. It also happens to by the birthday of my late brother, Charles John Wagner.
While emptying my father’s house after his death and its sale some years later, I found several bookshelves with religious pamphlets and other assorted materials my mother had used in preparation for her volunteer job of teaching Catechism to mentally retarded people.
My mother died tragically (suicide? homicide? accident? who knows?), and I couldn’t bear to throw away any of her remaining effects so I put it all in boxes and have taken it with me to the various homes and apartments I have subsequently inhabited.
Had my mother lived, it is a certainty that my father and brother would still be alive. Her death took away my father’s will to live and robbed my brother of any reason for hope in this world.
I recently purchased a new printer/scanner and thought it would be fun to make scans of some of the religious images in my mother’s old library. As I worked my way through the boxes, I discovered a hardback book that did not have a title. To my amazement, I had stumbled upon a journal kept by my brother in 198, the year he turned eighteen.
What follows is a transcription of my brother’s journal:
(inside cover)
LaRaine 881-7448 Tammy H. 884-9296 Bob 571-1508(crossed out) 731-0152
AL 561-8143 Patrick 344-6942 crossed out 563-4657 Mike Flynn 343-4251
Mark Golebie 531-3670 Beckles 243-7260 Fred 561-1069 Coleen 341-4309
(page opposite inside cover)
Fini 563-5986 Deb 833-3442 (crossed out) Sharon 344-3549 Joy 244-1710
Amy 421-5240 aune 521-1066 (crossed out) indecipherable
Gina 563-5819 Alice 824-2830
Lynda 882-0835 Sandy 561-8339 Sue 372-0328
(Pages 1 -16 have been removed, apparently burned and cut. The remaining edges are charred AND appear to have been removed with scissors. The remaining fragments indicate that there had been at least sixteen pages dating from August, September and October, presumably 1980. It is unclear whether these pages were destroyed prior to the composition of the journal entries that follow or if the pages were selectively removed at a later time. It can be supposed that the pages were destroyed by Chuckie, himself.)
April 12 1981
9:40 PM
I saw --I listened
to the running water.
creeping up behind
I turned around and caught her
we watched the sun go down
way #### beyond the mountain
Love thoughts were flowing
like a spurting fountain.
seeping in was moisture from
the clouds above
Rain began to fall and flew
away the dove.
Animals were fleeing for
there was something coming
Trees began uprooting, mountains
were a rumbling
Our flesh began to
stretch as the green all
turned to brown.
sight was getting harder
and soon the fish all drowned.
the pasture where we sat
became a barren desert.
Our minds started imploding
how could we stand the pressure?
temperatures were rising
although I felt so colde
space was getting tighter
I wish we had been told
Love became impossible
we must fight for our lives
How can one kill what isn’t
there and soon she’s lost
an eye.
A mighty sound was pounding
but in my ear a drone
We should begin a running
but we have no toes.
My skin was dripping off
my body, I saw it the ground
my one good eye was staring
the sky was falling down.
My muscles disappearing
the cloud was all around.
existence is no question
the answer you have found.
April 13 1981
4:40 PM
I have decided to seek
something out that will enhance
my state of being. I am willing
to experience new things. I
will try to push myself in a
positive direction. I must change what I am now.
April 13, 1981
10:00 PM
Is it possible that
someday there will be no
means of transportation
other than that of the mind?
mechanical #### movement
could be the death of us all.
(on the page opposite the following entry, there is a doodle-drawing of a round head speaking into what appears to be a receiver connected to a cable. further down the page, a cable appears to run into some kind of industrial building with a smokestack. From the building a coiled cable runs to another device that might be a telephone earpiece aside a giant ear connected to a round head with spiked hair and large gaps between the teeth.)
April 14, 1981
3:40 PM
A telephone is such an
interesting device. It enables
me to speak with whoever I
wish. With a telephone, space
between to parties has no meaning.
miles become centi-meters. There is
only one problem. Everyone is thought
of in numbers.
Think positive
Hear the tone
Press the digit
through computers I go.
electrical charge
Gives me life.
make the ring
I have arrived.
April 15 1981
6:45 pm.
Another year of my life
will be over soon. On the
calendar of time it says that
in nine days from now I will
be able to change my number.
Age seems not to matter to me.
Time of times does not matter
either. Only life, that’s all that
counts. Time and age are
only man-made ideas that
seperate(sic) one thing from another.
Because everything is allready
different why should one
discriminate or designate.
Another day
one less dollar
(indecipherable)
(indecipherable)
April 15 1981
12:45 Am
my circulation stops
my hands go numb.
everything hurts.
everything is hard.
my joints will not
bend.
my body still sleeps.
I must turn the light
on.
Shake in the life.
April 16, 1981
11:00 p.m.
I’m not sure what kind of
enjoyment I’m getting out
of all this#. Everything is
so hard and its tough having
to make myself acceptable.
Its such a shame that people make
standards and expect things of
people. We all live a tragic
comedy. I don’t think it
strange that I want to escape.
I often wonder who ###
or what is going to clean our
great mess when this is all
over. I hope that I’ll be
able to live my whole life
without interference from the
major assholes of this world.
(On the page opposite the entry that follows, there is a drawing of an alien/devilish face, a television set with a rabbit ears antenna, and a sledge hammer.)
April 17. 1981
after 12:00
What good comes out of
destroying what someone
else has built?
Of coarse there are some
things that need to be
destroyed but when a
person works so hard
just to make something
that might please some-
one else others should
have the consideration to
try and preserve whatever’s
existence.
April 22 1981
12:25 A.M.
Razor blades are opening
up corners of this world.
Butcher knives are stained
with blood of pigs behinds.
A weapon in my hand
could raise me up so high.
When faucets are turned
on what runs is not foreseen.
men beat men ### on heads
with clubs made of wood.
Children cry # ##### and
bleed in streets that shine with
shattered glass
When fire grows from home to
home and smoke clouds fill the air
An understanding will appear
and we will not despair.
Green trees try and grow
Chain saws have new use
millionare’s build great bon-
fires silver turns to gold
waves and sand and fish
and birds no longer can be seen
fat old things with bloody
mouths eating babies dear.
Lift my heard and cover
thy face we have extremed
the human race.
April 30 1981
6:00 pm
I am an empty page
in a dead book.
May 1 1981
9:00 am
It is as it always has
been.
May 6, 1981
5:54 pm
Today I just noticed
how many people snub
one another. Such a
fucking social structure.
Why don’t people
understand real rock +
roll?
May 6 1981
11:## pm.
Bring me your huddled
masses, says the nice
green lady.
Keeping us inside it, will
make us so cray
I cant understand it.
No, I cant understand it.
Sign my name to paper
an alias won’t do
I’ll tell my friends a good-bye
I’ll tell the government too.
I don’t understand it.
No I don’t understand it.
See the sights around
the world and keep
your weapon clean
tell your maiden mamma
She’s some kind of queen.
I won’t understand it.
No I wont understand it.
I’d rather play my records
but thats not possible
they tell me what I can do
And I tell them to blow.
I cant understand it.
No I wont understand it.
May 13 1981
10:10 pm.
What bad news has
come today. my life
is such a mess.
I don’t think I care at all, how much
should I confess.
(the following entry is written in red ink)
May 21 1981
11:32 pm.
I write today in red
wishing it was blood of
people I despise. I
don’t want to take any
more bullshit from people
that dont understand that
it is my life and not
theirs. It seems unnatural
that one person directs
others. Split pea and
ham soup. I understand
most everything she says
but it doesn’t all
come together.
They are all
hung-up on pety little
things that don’t concern
anybody. Mostly I
just think ## they’re
sick. Put poison on they’re
coffee beans. Grind it
up so they won’t know.
Who gives a shit about
cockroaches in a hole in the
wall. Its as clean as
you are. Lets have cock
fights till the end. Stupidity
takes the form of
intellect. So does
the advocate of
death.
(the following words appear in blue ink)
May 26 1981
10:10 pm.
While emptying my father’s house after his death and its sale some years later, I found several bookshelves with religious pamphlets and other assorted materials my mother had used in preparation for her volunteer job of teaching Catechism to mentally retarded people.
My mother died tragically (suicide? homicide? accident? who knows?), and I couldn’t bear to throw away any of her remaining effects so I put it all in boxes and have taken it with me to the various homes and apartments I have subsequently inhabited.
Had my mother lived, it is a certainty that my father and brother would still be alive. Her death took away my father’s will to live and robbed my brother of any reason for hope in this world.
I recently purchased a new printer/scanner and thought it would be fun to make scans of some of the religious images in my mother’s old library. As I worked my way through the boxes, I discovered a hardback book that did not have a title. To my amazement, I had stumbled upon a journal kept by my brother in 198, the year he turned eighteen.
What follows is a transcription of my brother’s journal:
(inside cover)
LaRaine 881-7448 Tammy H. 884-9296 Bob 571-1508(crossed out) 731-0152
AL 561-8143 Patrick 344-6942 crossed out 563-4657 Mike Flynn 343-4251
Mark Golebie 531-3670 Beckles 243-7260 Fred 561-1069 Coleen 341-4309
(page opposite inside cover)
Fini 563-5986 Deb 833-3442 (crossed out) Sharon 344-3549 Joy 244-1710
Amy 421-5240 aune 521-1066 (crossed out) indecipherable
Gina 563-5819 Alice 824-2830
Lynda 882-0835 Sandy 561-8339 Sue 372-0328
(Pages 1 -16 have been removed, apparently burned and cut. The remaining edges are charred AND appear to have been removed with scissors. The remaining fragments indicate that there had been at least sixteen pages dating from August, September and October, presumably 1980. It is unclear whether these pages were destroyed prior to the composition of the journal entries that follow or if the pages were selectively removed at a later time. It can be supposed that the pages were destroyed by Chuckie, himself.)
April 12 1981
9:40 PM
I saw --I listened
to the running water.
creeping up behind
I turned around and caught her
we watched the sun go down
way #### beyond the mountain
Love thoughts were flowing
like a spurting fountain.
seeping in was moisture from
the clouds above
Rain began to fall and flew
away the dove.
Animals were fleeing for
there was something coming
Trees began uprooting, mountains
were a rumbling
Our flesh began to
stretch as the green all
turned to brown.
sight was getting harder
and soon the fish all drowned.
the pasture where we sat
became a barren desert.
Our minds started imploding
how could we stand the pressure?
temperatures were rising
although I felt so colde
space was getting tighter
I wish we had been told
Love became impossible
we must fight for our lives
How can one kill what isn’t
there and soon she’s lost
an eye.
A mighty sound was pounding
but in my ear a drone
We should begin a running
but we have no toes.
My skin was dripping off
my body, I saw it the ground
my one good eye was staring
the sky was falling down.
My muscles disappearing
the cloud was all around.
existence is no question
the answer you have found.
April 13 1981
4:40 PM
I have decided to seek
something out that will enhance
my state of being. I am willing
to experience new things. I
will try to push myself in a
positive direction. I must change what I am now.
April 13, 1981
10:00 PM
Is it possible that
someday there will be no
means of transportation
other than that of the mind?
mechanical #### movement
could be the death of us all.
(on the page opposite the following entry, there is a doodle-drawing of a round head speaking into what appears to be a receiver connected to a cable. further down the page, a cable appears to run into some kind of industrial building with a smokestack. From the building a coiled cable runs to another device that might be a telephone earpiece aside a giant ear connected to a round head with spiked hair and large gaps between the teeth.)
April 14, 1981
3:40 PM
A telephone is such an
interesting device. It enables
me to speak with whoever I
wish. With a telephone, space
between to parties has no meaning.
miles become centi-meters. There is
only one problem. Everyone is thought
of in numbers.
Think positive
Hear the tone
Press the digit
through computers I go.
electrical charge
Gives me life.
make the ring
I have arrived.
April 15 1981
6:45 pm.
Another year of my life
will be over soon. On the
calendar of time it says that
in nine days from now I will
be able to change my number.
Age seems not to matter to me.
Time of times does not matter
either. Only life, that’s all that
counts. Time and age are
only man-made ideas that
seperate(sic) one thing from another.
Because everything is allready
different why should one
discriminate or designate.
Another day
one less dollar
(indecipherable)
(indecipherable)
April 15 1981
12:45 Am
my circulation stops
my hands go numb.
everything hurts.
everything is hard.
my joints will not
bend.
my body still sleeps.
I must turn the light
on.
Shake in the life.
April 16, 1981
11:00 p.m.
I’m not sure what kind of
enjoyment I’m getting out
of all this#. Everything is
so hard and its tough having
to make myself acceptable.
Its such a shame that people make
standards and expect things of
people. We all live a tragic
comedy. I don’t think it
strange that I want to escape.
I often wonder who ###
or what is going to clean our
great mess when this is all
over. I hope that I’ll be
able to live my whole life
without interference from the
major assholes of this world.
(On the page opposite the entry that follows, there is a drawing of an alien/devilish face, a television set with a rabbit ears antenna, and a sledge hammer.)
April 17. 1981
after 12:00
What good comes out of
destroying what someone
else has built?
Of coarse there are some
things that need to be
destroyed but when a
person works so hard
just to make something
that might please some-
one else others should
have the consideration to
try and preserve whatever’s
existence.
April 22 1981
12:25 A.M.
Razor blades are opening
up corners of this world.
Butcher knives are stained
with blood of pigs behinds.
A weapon in my hand
could raise me up so high.
When faucets are turned
on what runs is not foreseen.
men beat men ### on heads
with clubs made of wood.
Children cry # ##### and
bleed in streets that shine with
shattered glass
When fire grows from home to
home and smoke clouds fill the air
An understanding will appear
and we will not despair.
Green trees try and grow
Chain saws have new use
millionare’s build great bon-
fires silver turns to gold
waves and sand and fish
and birds no longer can be seen
fat old things with bloody
mouths eating babies dear.
Lift my heard and cover
thy face we have extremed
the human race.
April 30 1981
6:00 pm
I am an empty page
in a dead book.
May 1 1981
9:00 am
It is as it always has
been.
May 6, 1981
5:54 pm
Today I just noticed
how many people snub
one another. Such a
fucking social structure.
Why don’t people
understand real rock +
roll?
May 6 1981
11:## pm.
Bring me your huddled
masses, says the nice
green lady.
Keeping us inside it, will
make us so cray
I cant understand it.
No, I cant understand it.
Sign my name to paper
an alias won’t do
I’ll tell my friends a good-bye
I’ll tell the government too.
I don’t understand it.
No I don’t understand it.
See the sights around
the world and keep
your weapon clean
tell your maiden mamma
She’s some kind of queen.
I won’t understand it.
No I wont understand it.
I’d rather play my records
but thats not possible
they tell me what I can do
And I tell them to blow.
I cant understand it.
No I wont understand it.
May 13 1981
10:10 pm.
What bad news has
come today. my life
is such a mess.
I don’t think I care at all, how much
should I confess.
(the following entry is written in red ink)
May 21 1981
11:32 pm.
I write today in red
wishing it was blood of
people I despise. I
don’t want to take any
more bullshit from people
that dont understand that
it is my life and not
theirs. It seems unnatural
that one person directs
others. Split pea and
ham soup. I understand
most everything she says
but it doesn’t all
come together.
They are all
hung-up on pety little
things that don’t concern
anybody. Mostly I
just think ## they’re
sick. Put poison on they’re
coffee beans. Grind it
up so they won’t know.
Who gives a shit about
cockroaches in a hole in the
wall. Its as clean as
you are. Lets have cock
fights till the end. Stupidity
takes the form of
intellect. So does
the advocate of
death.
(the following words appear in blue ink)
May 26 1981
10:10 pm.